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by drew

Vantage Point Sucks Hard

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Alright. This film is terrible. I might go as far as to say it sucks hard.

Okay, some perspective. I watched this movie in a noisy hotel room with a bunch of other people. It was part of a little pay-per-view double feature with Jumper, and though I don’t remember which one we saw first, I know that somehow Hayden Christensen, Prince of Bland, outperformed this film’s entire cast.

So, VANTAGE POINT. Why does it suck so hard? I would ask the audience to turn their attention to the following hint.

The Guilty Parties

The Guilty Parties

I don’t really remember anyone else besides these guys and Sigourney Weaver, but she was only in it for ten minutes anyway. If you don’t recognize these three puzzled men, allow me to enlighten you. From left to right, Forrest Whittaker, Dennis Quaid, and Matthew Fox, or, judging by their expressions, a very tan Thom Yorke, John McCain, and a mentally-handicapped badger. You might know them from Battlefield Earth, Jaws 3-D, and the picture above, respectively. In this film, they all play douchebags who can’t act. None of their lines were believable, memorable, or compelling. Maybe if they had been, I would have remembered the plot a little better.

But why would I want to remember that? It’s illogical, poorly written, and executed worse than Jack Sparrow was at the end of Pirates of the Caribbean. Basically, the gimmick is that the movie gives you 20 minute or so peep shows of the obese, 47-year-old, male stripper that, in this sentence, represents the story. Adding to the gimmickiness is the fact that the movie presents these peaks from different characters’ points of view, hence the title. While it sounded like a good idea when I first watched the trailer, the sudden changes of perspective ended up being the biggest ripoff moments in the film. You see, every time Vantage Point decides you’ve seen enough semi-congruous story for now, it quickly rewinds back to the beginning, and these were the points when everyone in the room screamed and moaned and started throwing objects at the TV. The pacing is just terrible. Just when you think some interesting development is about to unfold, ZIP!, right back to the start. The film is in serious need of some Ritalin. And if … writer “Barry Levy” thinks that these jerks are just good ol’ fun-loving cliffhangers, he can have his name taken off the IMDb page where I found it. They don’t build up to a big reveal at the end, nor do they provide enough satisfaction through hints or clues to make up for the massive disappointment that follows. The last “big reveal,” especially so. It was so momentous and surprising that I stay awake at night thinking about how awesome it was and how I’ll never post spoilers on the internet saying that the terrorists did it and I think Matthew Fox helped somehow.  That being said, it’s basically a big load of bull crap being shoved through your eyes and ears.

Don't you believe me? Don't you?

Don't you believe me? Don't you?

One thing I must comment on, though, is the big final chase sequence, or at least one version, which by the sixth time lost most of its energy. Dennis Quaid’s character evidences the sheer amount of effort that went into writing the lines for his car chase. For about the last nine minutes, this is the entirety of the dialog…

[Bunch of explosions with cars and stuff]

Dennis Quaid: “Shit!”

[Bullets whizzing by, Arabs staring menacinly]

Dennis Quaid: “Shit!”

Matthew Fox: “Shit!”

[Shots of people important enough to warrant a vantage point, but not important enough for me to remember their names]

Dennis Quaid: “Shit!”

Dennis Quaid: “Shit!”

Sigourney Weaver: “Shit!”

[Car wreck]

Dennis Quaid: “Why the fuck did you do that?”

Arab: “No speaks English!”

Dennis Quaid: “Shit!”

[Credits]

So that’s Vantage Point, and it officially

Sucks Hard

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Written by Drew Wellman

08/28/2009 at 11:26 PM

Posted in Everything

Tagged with , ,

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