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by drew

Hall of Dennis

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One simple question, who is the best Dennis? Well little kids, through the science/magic of the patented Wellman Dennis Score Index™, we’re about to find out!

Dennis from Monty Python and the Holy Grail

This anarcho-syndicalist peasant from 10th century England worked hard to get on this list. He had to overcome the forces of imperialist repression to prevent the perpetuation of national and regional totalitarianism and blahdy-blahdy-blah. If there’s one thing wrong with Dennis, it’s that he talks so bloody much. He’s like someone’s dad at their party who drones on and on to uninterested guests about good choices of major in the current economic climate.

Hit Points: 62/100

Intelligence: 80/100

Flavor: 12/100

Denis Leary

You might say that Leary doesn’t belong on this list because his name only has one “n” per the traditional Irish spelling. 1: That’s racist. 2: SHUT UP. Besides starring in some movies and TV shows, Leary also features prominently in my fantasies as the captain of the Roxanne.

Hit Points: 77/100

Intelligence: 38/100

Flavor: 96/100

Dennis Kucinich

I honestly don’t really know anything about Kucinich or his political stances because politics is a joke without a punchline that’s not funny. So basically, politics are like Family Guy. The one thing I do know about Kucinich, I learned while watching the Colbert Report, which puts the punchline back into politics. Apparently, Dennis Kucinich always carries around a pocket-sized copy of the constitution. I approve 100%! I think that everyone should carry one too! That way, we’ll always have something to blow our noses with to slow the spread of swine fl- sorry, “Aych One Enn One.”

Hit Points: 24/100

Intelligence: 88/100

Flavor: -8/100

Dennis Nedry

Nedry’s a pretty rad guy, backstabbing notwithstanding. For one, he helps the little girl in the film give a good name for “hackers.” He adds to her contribution of “whiney, screamy, annoying little cuss” his own fair share of “overweight, socially retarded douche-bag.”

Hit Points: 112/100

Intelligence: 1/100

Flavor: -48/100

Dennis Quaid

I’m running out of Dennises.

Hit Points: Gopher

Intelligence: Fairly Balmy

Flavor: Teal


With a score of 211, DENIS LEARY wins this year’s Hall of Dennis Awards! Be sure to see next year’s ceremony for essentially the same thing!


Written by Drew Wellman

09/22/2009 at 4:36 PM

Posted in Everything

Tagged with ,

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