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by drew

Movies

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One sentence reviews of every movie I can remember seeing. List still in progress.

Airplane!: A style of funny that spawned many imitators, none of which lived up to the hilarity of the original.

Alien: Unnerving and uncomfortable, but the scares are unfortunately lessened by cultural osmosis.

Aliens: Father of every space marine cliche in the book, this action-packed sequel still manages to enthrall with its wonderful characters and excellent pacing.

Attack of the Clones: 90% less Jar-Jar, but 100% less Liam Neeson, nevertheless, 50% more suck.

Avatar: Too long, too much CGI, lame story, totally unlikable protagonists, and an overall feeling of BLEGH.

Back to the Future: Time travel is one of my favorite subjects, and this movie pulls it off excellently in a funny, quirky way.

Batman Begins: Slow to start and meandering in the middle, this one never really finds its footing, but is still pretty fun.

A Beautiful Mind: A beautiful film.

Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure: Everything that was great about the 80’s packed into a hilarious, if historically ignorant, package.

Blade Runner: Definitive cyberpunk, very interesting, but slow at times.

The Bourne Identity: A focused and intense thriller let down by a completely unlikable love interest.

The Bourne Supremacy: But now she’s dead and Bourne gets to shine on his own, though the cameraman seems to have a slight case of Parkinson’s.

The Bourne Ultimatum: Oh fuck shit balls everything’s so shaky.

The Butterfly Effect: Terrible acting, writing, and directing; completely awful.

Catch Me If You Can: Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks: completely lovable and hilarious characters.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: Creepy and surreal, but not in a good way; just Tim Burton and Johnny Depp doing their thing, I guess.

Cloverfield: Interesting premise, decent scares, but infuriatingly annoying protagonists, even for horror movie standards.

The Dark Knight: Almost certainly the best superhero movie ever made.

The Departed: Intense, incredible, and intriguing; three simultaneous marvelous character studies.

Dr. Strangelove: Alright, but the humor feels a little dated.

The Emperor’s New Groove: Disney’s last great film, and one of their funniest.

Empire Strikes Back: The best installment in the Star Wars saga, by far, and an altogether awesome film.

Evil Dead II: Disturbingly hilarious, Bruce Campbell deserves an Oscar for his performance as Ash.

Fargo: A pregnant cop, a botched kidnapping, and a wood-chipper; see it now.

The Fellowship of the Ring: The other installments just weren’t the same without Boromir.

Finding Nemo: An epic journey and a plethora of both laughs and emotions.

Firewall: Completely devoid of any feeling whatsoever.

The Fugitive: Very exciting, just try to crash a train as awesome as that!

Goodfellas: Ain’t gangsters lovable?

Groundhog Day: Hilarious throughout; since the day I saw it, I’ve had “I Got You, Babe” stuck in my head.

A Hard Day’s Night: The Beatles were some wacky guys, so wacky that they didn’t need proper narrative structure.

Helvetica: An interesting documentary geared toward typography enthusiasts.

Hot Fuzz: The funniest movie I’ve ever seen, this film perfects the art of the comedic echo in its ball-bustingly awesome finale.

The Italian Job (2003): An on-the-whole bland and insubstantial movie that barely stays afloat with intermittent laughs.

In Bruges: Pure poetry from excellent start to perfect finish.

Inception: You’ll never dream the same way.

The Incredible Hulk (2008): Lame acting, worse writing, and surprisingly bad CGI kept me bored throughout.

The Incredibles: On Parr (lol hurr puns) with the Dark Knight in terms of superhero movies, a delightful deconstruction of the genre showing what would happen if supers were defeated by lawyers.

Iron Man: The wonderful first two-thirds manage to shine over the incredibly mediocre third act.

Iron Man 2: Good enough, I guess; definitely not as good as the first one, but not terrible.

Jumper: Not a bad concept, but handled terribly, thanks in great part to Hayden Christensen’s lousy performance.

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Non-canon; didn’t happen.

King of Kong: The unseen truth behind the hardcore classic arcade scene.

A Knight’s Tale: Boring and forgettable.

The Last Crusade: Excellent father-son dynamics between Connery and Ford push this film close to Raiders’ level of greatness.

Life of Brian: Hilarious satire and the best the Pythons have to offer.

Minority Report: Fun enough, but let down by some strange logic and odd dialog.

Mr. Bean’s Holiday: Pretty boring overall, but has its moments, including Willem Dafoe’s hilariously pretentious short film.

No Country For Old Men: Excellently threatening villain, very suspenseful, but seems to use artiness as an excuse for poor pacing.

North By Northwest: The classic and definitive tale of mistaken identity, an exhilarating experience in emotion and cinematography.

The Phantom Menace: George Lucas can burn.

Plan 9 From Outer Space: Regardless of the film’s actual merit, the frequent goofs and completely retarded premise make Plan 9 hilarious.

The Prestige: Strikes the perfect balance with the mystery; you can figure it out on your own if you try, but it’s never completely obvious.

Pulp Fiction: Excellent, just excellent.

Raiders of the Lost Ark: A completely wonderful and fun adventure with the lovable Indy.

Rear Window: Incredibly tense, but has equally excellent moments of humor; a must-see, even if Jimmy Stewart seems like a creep.

Return of the Jedi: While it certainly had many great emotional moments, you can see the looming threat of George Lucas’s retardation with the Ewoks. 

Revenge of the Sith: While not quite as freaking terrible as the other two prequels, this big mess of overdone CGI, terrible acting, directionless story doesn’t nearly live up to the original trilogy.

Rocky: Inspirational, Sylvester Stallone hits the perfect balance between playing stupid and actually stupid.

Schindler’s List: One of the most emotionally powerful films I’ve ever seen.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: Hilarious and fun, Scott Pilgrim is a rare movie that actually uses CGI well; rather than try to imitate reality, the visuals serve to illustrate the story and characters in a really delightful way.

The Shawshank Redemption: Intriguing and heartwarming, holds you though the entirety of Andy Dufresne’s awesome journey.

Sherlock Holmes: Absolutely, mind-numbingly boring, stupid, and incomprehensible; not remotely funny.

Shutter Island: Scary and thought-provoking, though the ending drags on for too long.

The Social Network: Who would have thought that a movie about the guys who made Facebook could be one of the most interesting films of the year, and perhaps even the decade?

The Sound of Music: Too long, too campy, too musical, but for some strange reason, I still like it.

Spider-Man: Embraces the camp, still works.

Spider-Man 2: The peak of the franchise, fully explores the captivating weakness of the character of Peter Parker.

Spider-Man 3: Too many villains and stupid character development.

Star Wars: Emotions and character development are the focus here, rather than extravagant CGI or meticulously choreographed fight scenes.

Supersize Me: Clever, effective, but obviously skewed.

Taxi Driver: Scorsese and De Niro at their finest; an absolutely sublime film.

Terminator 2: Sarah Connor is a marvelous heroine and leads this film to success.

Toy Story 3: Manly tears.

The Two Towers: Tries and fails to juggle too many plot-lines at once.

Vantage Point: Sucks hard.

Wall-E: Pixar really outdo themselves with this powerful tale of love that also satires American society.

Watchmen: Pretty good, but never great, except when Rorschach is on screen.

What About Bob?: The chemistry between Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss is pure comedy gold.

Zombieland: Engaging and well-excecuted, a bloody hilarious adventure.

Zoolander: Male modeling is serious (and hilarious) business.

Written by Drew Wellman

05/14/2010 at 1:00 AM

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