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by drew

Posts Tagged ‘zombies

Presenting my Choose Your Own Adventure!

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Remember those? From the eighties? Well here’s one for the 21st century.

DENNIS AND TAMMY AND THE DINOSAURS

I freely admit that the story takes a couple cues from Jurassic Park, but one thing I want to make very clear is that the protagonist’s name was not originally intended as a reference to Dennis Nedry from JP. It was, in fact, chosen because Dennis is basically my favorite name ever and if I ever make any other works of fiction, there may be another Dennis here or there. Dennis Dennis Dennis.

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Written by Drew Wellman

06/30/2009 at 12:39 AM

Posted in Everything

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40 Things

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40 Things that are harder to do while receiving a blow-job:

  1. Land a helicopter
  2. A job interview
  3. Advanced handwriting analysis
  4. Taxes
  5. Beat Ocarina of Time
  6. Sell fresh fruit
  7. Prove Fermat’s Last Theorem
  8. Rescue a child from the bottom of a well
  9. Install Linux
  10. Give a cost-benefit presentation for your company’s upcoming retreat
  11. Steal a car
  12. Portray Macbeth onstage
  13. Win a spelling bee
  14. Pass a physics exam
  15. Resolve a copyright dispute on YouTube
  16. Lecture your children on the dangers of drugs and alcohol.
  17. Preform triple bypass surgery
  18. Narrate a wildlife documentary
  19. Run a marathon
  20. Return a defective DVD Player
  21. Watch 12 Angry Men
  22. Put out a blazing fire
  23. Construct a ship in a bottle
  24. Write the next great American novel
  25. Annihilate a horde of zombies
  26. Stand on the street corner advertising for Little Caesar’s
  27. Engage in a Mac vs. PC debate
  28. Prepare blowfish sushi without leaving any poison
  29. Achieve Nirvana
  30. Protest against PETA (not with)
  31. Grill Burgers
  32. Get away from the cops
  33. Talk to Verizon customer service
  34. Conduct an orchestra
  35. Win a game of poker
  36. Repair the International Space Station
  37. Film a wedding
  38. Stop, collaborate, and listen
  39. Interrogate someone
  40. Make a list

Written by Drew Wellman

05/11/2009 at 11:51 PM

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The Zombie Plan

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Okay, so I’ve got Max Brooks’ excellent Zombie Survival Guide and I’ve been forming my own plan for post-zombie-apocalyptic survival. Basing my strategy off of his ideas and my own research, I’ve come up with what I believe is the optimal course of action for withstanding, and, perhaps, defeating the undead.

Supplies:

  • A Dirigible

The best method of travel in a zombie outbreak. As Brooks says, “they  combine the longevity of a ballon with the mobility and all-terrain landing ability of a helicopter” (119). My enormous airship will be filled to the brim with my other supplies. EDIT: I would name it Roxanne.

  • A Crew

This includes a pilot, a navigator, a medic, a chef, and a fellow combat specialist. Of course, all will be well trained in zombie fighting techniques and will be valuable assets in an attack. A mix of male and female will ensure insurance against the annihilation of the human race. Good genes are a must.

  • At least 6 months worth of food and water

Water will be stored in tanks and bottles, and there will be a purifier on board, in addition to a rain collecting device. Due to its combined durability, taste, ease of preparation, and low cost, there will be a large supply of ramen noodles on board, in various flavors. It, however, will not be our primary source of nourishment, while it will be a staple; we will have a hydroponic garden aboard, as well as other easily concoctable niceties.

  • Weapons

While we plan to stay in the air for the majority of the outbreak, we may require to land due to various needs such as supplies, rescue, or attack. Therefore, an effective arsenal is necessary. Each member of my six-person crew (including myself) will have a semiautomatic rifle, a handgun, a shotgun, and a melee weapon. Furthermore, we will have 3 sniper rifles on board for fly-by shootings. The specification of each warrior’s tool will vary, though good choices for hand-to-hand combat include crowbars, katanas, and machetes.

  • Ammo

What good is a gun without bullets? We’ll need enough for our long journey, which, in the worst case, could last a year or more.

  • First aid supplies, etc.
  • Gasoline

While a blimp can stay airborne without consuming gas and is very fuel efficient when in motion, this is a must. If we are to have control of our destination, we’ll need a way to power the fans. But because it is a finite resource, I have an alternative. A Gilligan’s Island style bamboo bicycle for generating electricity. And, yes, it does have to be bamboo.

  • Music

And lots of it. Studies will show that music reduces the stress of the end of the world by at least %60! (Sure, the studies don’t exist yet, but I’m confident that my numbers will agree with these future findings). Headphones will be useful, but not necessary. The usual threat of the Jonas Brothers will be eliminated by my unusually tough screening process. The storage media for the aural pacifier will include CD, vinyl, and Digital Audio that will be stored on . . .

  • Olan

My Macbook Pro. From tracking our location to calculations to World of Goo, my laptop will prove invaluable in the air. As stated earlier, electricity comes from a rechargeable battery connected to our bamboo bicycle.

  • Duct Tape

Perhaps the most important item on the ship, duct tape can solve practically any problem. Not only will it be able to patch holes in the pipes and balloon, this magical invention can affix makeshift bayonets to our guns and work, in a pinch, as a bandage. Several rolls will be necessary.

Now that I have my list of supplies laid out, I only need a plan of survival. Luckily, it is rather simple, yet mildly expensive. But during the apocalypse, price is no object.

  1. Procure a dirigible. Large cabin, up to date technology. The sooner the better.
  2. Recruit my crew. Train together to the peak of physical prowess. Become like family.
  3. Purchase the remaining supplies, getting “Great Value” when possible.
  4. Pack up and move out, setting up a comfortable living quarters in the cabin.
  5. Head northeast. We must, by any means necessary, stay away from California! The people in Maine will make much less terrifying ghouls than those residing on the west coast. The worst possible of all cases is a run-in with Hollywood zombies!
  6. If things seem bad, but controllable, stay uninvolved. Avoid contact with other uninfected as pirates will be apt to commandeer our flying fortress.
  7. If the situation turns desperate, go on the attack for the fate of humanity. Our training and resources may turn out to be our planet’s last hope for survival.
  8. Once (or if) the zombie revolution has been quashed, fly to New Zealand. I’ve heard it’s quite nice there.

So that’s my plan. Feel free to use my ideas in your own flight, just be sure not to have our airships collide! When I get back to my tablet, I’ll post an accompanying illustration gallery.

The only remaining step is to name my dirigible. I’m accepting requests. You can also volunteer for my crew if you think you have what it takes and do not listen to the Jonas Brothers.

Written by Drew Wellman

04/08/2009 at 4:41 PM

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Thoughts on Zombies

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I like zombies. Zombie movies, zombie video games, zombie themed underwear, it’s all good. Sometime this week, maybe today, I’m going to drop by Barnes and Noble and pick up the complete zombie survival guide, or something like that. I need to be prepared for the impending zombie apocalypse. But first, some thoughts on zombies…

  • Can zombies love?
  • Who would make the most beastliest zombie? Chuck Norris?
  • If zombies are bad news, what about zombie aliens?
  • Or what about zombie alien terrorists?
  • How come the shotgun is the de facto weapon against the undead? Has its efficiency been tested though careful experimentation?
  • Can zombies smell fear? How about chocolate?
  • The coolest zombies are the fast, screaming ones with mutant abilities like in Left 4 Dead, not the lame, smelly, jelly-mouthed ones in old horror movies. If I were turned into a zombie, I would totally want to be one of the hunters from that game! Those things are awesome!
  • Also cool are zombie animals. What animal would be the coolest when its corpse is reanimated? My guess would be shark. Or a polar bear.
  • Who would win in a fight between a zombie and Sean Astin?
  • On a scale from one to ten, how awesome would it be to blow a zombie’s head off with a shotgun, assuming it is proved to be the weapon of choice against the living dead?

Well, that’s all I have to say about that.

Written by Drew Wellman

03/13/2009 at 6:05 PM

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Question:

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Would you rather fight your way though a zombie-infested graveyard or attend a Jonas Brothers concert?

You get a shotgun in both scenarios, but in the second scenario, you can only use it on yourself.

Written by Drew Wellman

03/13/2009 at 4:24 PM

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